It was always the eyes he lived for and the way she stared at him made him swoon on his feet. “Were you ever aware how I felt when you were giving away your life in a void, do You realize it’s Now what matters to your life, Not what yesterday or what tomorrow would mean.” Was all that he could say with his gaze but did it reach her was all he wondered.
"It's not about now or forever", he heard her say. "I'm not comfortable with time..."
Her gaze was fixed vaguely in his direction. There seemed to be a hint of frown on her face for a moment, and then she relaxed her eyes again. Her eyes looked as though they were looking at earth for the first time. Was she the same girl he was ready to wait for eternity, had to be the way that gaze had a void in it which somehow told him that he could just wander in it seamlessly and never get lost and the way it gelled with the frown so as to suggest that she did not like him wandering so far inside the eyes so that she could never pull him out. And when she relaxed her eyes, they just told him it was OK, that it did not matter wherever he wandered in the dark because the light was on the horizon, the morning was nearby and the light would guide him to the unbridled emotions he wanted to feel, wanted to touch. Just wanted to be with her.
He saw her speak again. Her tone was stable and she was not in a hurry. She was not confused.
"I'm not lost." She looked at him for some time. She didn't know if he would understand if she tried to explain.
"But when you find yourself," she continued, "...when you understand the things happening to you... and it ends abruptly... it's left behind like just a chapter, while a complete story is what it was meant to be. Everything I thought I'd be till my last breath and my ways... don't seem... relevant.
"He always got the best out of me. You know him. But I can't thank him. It wouldn't be fair... on me... You know, I understood his most bizarre ideas. I could always make sense of his irrelevant speech. It was his way. His genius amazed all. His ways perplexed all, except me. And he knew it.
"He knew it... I know that. He told me how to come to a conclusion, and how never to tell yourself you came to one, and just act. Act.
"I, for the matter, thought. And he acted finally. Finally he left me behind... perplexed."
At this point, she was looking straight at him. He was grasping all that she said.
He wanted to tell her that was exactly how he felt about her, He always felt but could never speak, he always found her lost in him whenever he was near and she was always oblivious of his presence lost in his best friend. But he always listened to what she had to say with the mute eyes, he could live in the eternity of those forever.
He was glad to be a spectator because sometimes the beauty of the game is not to play in it, but to be a mute observer and get lost in it. To understand what it means to you and to communicate what you always wanted but would never have to speak for it. But her stare had a different look today, it did’nt have that similar zilch for him, but had an enormity within them. They seemed to notice him today, notice that he was looking at her, he wondered if she could hear what his eyes said but that was not to be. Those treacherous eyes did’nt want to speak, they wanted to listen, from him and for her.
Her glance seemed to ask for answers. But he knew he had to let her speak. He remained quiet as she looked away, slowly.
"Everything I have with you is so direct. Sometimes I wonder if I'm all wrong" she said calmly.
"Look at this," she contemplated aloud, "I could never say these things to him. And though I have nothing to gain or lose from him any more. But look at it. Do I want to be understood or do I have to be understood? Must I understand simply or must I claim the Gods talk to me? The perfect silences of other realms... It was the best way i knew.
"But may be now i know better..."
He seemed to calculate. She looked at him again. He thought there was longing, not in her face, in her eyes. Something that was not meant to be seen by him. But he grew more sure of it when she wouldn't take her eyes off him, however unknowingly.
The simple look on her face spoke very little. It was free of malice, and very uncomplicated. Her body was relaxed.
"What we can do with words, we can't do with anything else. That's who I need. And I... should be needed in that way. I'm doubting this. Alright. But I'm telling you I'm doubtful. And that's what I need."
He was quivering in his paces by now, was she for true, was this moment for true, was he being summoned from the almighty of weird chances to answer the call. I want to say it, he shouted out loud. But nobody could hear, he looked here and there but just did’nt seem to have the courage to speak up. She was all he idolized, right from the first day, when his friend introduced him to her, he never felt that he could believe in God again. Believe his claims to be fair, because she was all he wanted. And here she was, reminiscing all she had done. But was it good for her, was she not all he loved? And if he did was this what he wanted for her? He wanted her to be happy, not upset with herself, but perhaps this was the day, this was the clog he was waiting to fill all his life. He wanted to be there for her and tell her that she could wander, because it was alright to be lost sometimes in life. To lose oneself so that we appreciate whatever we manage to find of ourselves, when we do. Suddenly the eye contact broke and he couldn’t help thinking that she came back to soon, no, this is not in the script, he said, she needs to wander, needs to move to find herself.
She looked at her own lap and was frowning. Barely half a minute. She was soon looking back at him. This time, really waiting. He stayed. The controlled intensity on her face was inducing intensity in his own self. She very simply hid all the longing behind a composed, easy look.
After some silence, her eyes felt heavy, and she closed them. Some time passed. She could sit that way forever. In his presence. To her, it felt more easy than solitude. Some more time passed.
He got up looking at her, walked a few paces and went to stand behind her chair, his back towards hers. After a moment, she turned behind, and looked at him with the same blank eyes. Her eyes followed his eyes that were fixed at hers as he walked round the chair and carefully took her left hand into both his hands. He paused, and then bent down to her. She closed her eyes almost immediately and lowered her face.
His grip over her hand was surety reassured. He knew who she was. The leaning figure that disturbed the air around was imposing to her mind. She felt his body incline towards hers, approaching it. She heard him breathing close to her own face. What followed was a firm kiss on her cheek. He then withdrew. He looked at her, fully, and said, "You'll find him one day." And he went away.
Sitting back on her chair, she tried to figure out if she was living. She was falling asleep. Her body was relaxed. She was all wrong.
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